
The last couple weeks have been very emotional for me; I’m sure the infertility meds didn’t help. Doug seems pretty cool and collected as always, but I feel confused, scared, guilty, sad, and worried. I tend to keep a lot of these emotions inside and they’ve all been right at the surface lately. I was supposed to start the second round of infertility meds on Monday, but after tears and talking we decided not to. Doug didn’t know, until about 4-5 months ago, the extent of the emotional struggle I’ve had over the last year while trying to get pregnant. With Doug’s family history and my family history, it should have been a breeze getting pregnant. I began to (and still) wonder: What’s wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Is it something I did in my past? Is it something I’m doing now? Is it something I’m not doing now? Am I not meant to have kids? Are the blessings we received that say we’ll have sons and daughters not meant for this life, but for while we’re in the heavens? Are there sweet spirits waiting for us? Will we regret not having kids? Will we still feel fulfilled? I don’t have the answers to any of it.

I know I don’t want to start a family at age 35 (which isn’t too far off). I know I don’t want to keep going the way we are and (MAYBE) finally get pregnant a year or 2 down the road. I thought having 2 kids by age 35 would be simple; well originally it was kids before 30, but we didn’t meet and get married until I was 29. I almost wish no one knew so I wouldn’t have to say, “We’re not trying anymore,” then when people ask if we’re having kids I could’ve just said, “We tried, but it didn’t work out for us.” But I’ve been able to talk it out with numerous people; even cried and laughed about it. I don’t know 100% how I feel besides confused, guilty, etc. I’m not sure where to go from here, but I’ve gotten a lot of advice about what I “should” do. I’m not a fan of “should”. “Should” usually fits into someone else’s plan or vision. I’ve heard, “It’ll happen when it’s supposed to happen,” but I’m not willing to keep up this process until it finally happens (possibly years down the road) and a few times I’ve also heard, “you shouldn’t try so hard,” but we weren’t trying very hard in the beginning and have done everything “right” thus far.

I’ve spent the last 5-6 years of my life preparing to fall in love, get married, buy a house and have kids. After all, that’s how the nursery song goes right?, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in a baby carriage.” We’ve collected a few baby things over the last year or so and part of me doesn’t even want to open that drawer and deal with getting rid of that stuff. Should I try a couple more months? Should we stop right now for real? Should I go back on birth control? Should I try the infertility drugs again, hoping I won’t get as sick? (Although it is kinda hard to complain about losing 6 pounds in 2 weeks). I was talking to Doug about it last night too; asking him over and over how he feels and what he’s thinking. He said, “we can always adopt down the road.” Then I said, “We can always foster a child or get a puppy if it comes down to it.” If I were 25-28 years old, you wouldn’t even be reading any of this and I’d be a multi-millionaire because I found a way to travel back in time. I’ve been trying to come to grips with the reality of both scenarios that could play out. I’ve thought a lot about “what if we don’t have kids” lately: next year when we finish paying off the patio cover, we’ll get the truck Doug has wanted; we’ll go on a cruise to Alaska in 2011 (anyone wanna go too?), get Doug in Gunsmithing School, and travel to Aberdeen, Scotland in 2012 with Justin and Tammy. I used to think about: How will I surprise Doug? How will I surprise my mom? (and get both on video tape) How will I decorate the room? Will it be a boy or a girl? (while hoping for a boy first) Will I know what to do? What will labor and pregnancy be like? Will I get morning sickness really bad since I have a weak stomach? Will I stick with the name Michaela Marie after wanting that name all these years? Do I like Alena Marie better? Those thoughts have been pushed further and further down as the disappointment has increased and continued. I don’t know what the future holds; I just know that I’m very lost and I’m ready to call it quits and start birth control again.